Ponderings
by Dubird
Summary: This is a little Knives POV that kinda follows my story Forgivness. What would be going through Knives' head after all this? Is he really right, or is there the possibility that Vash is right?


Title: Ponderings  
Author: Dubird  
Pairings: None  
Rating: PG   
Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun. This is just one of the many fan spawned writings of another crazy person. I also go to college and have lots of loans to pay off, so if you're looking for money, you've come to the wrong place!  
  
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This is a little Knives POV that kinda follows my story Forgivness. What would be going through Knives' head after all this? Is he really right, or is there the possibility that Vash is right?   
  
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Humans. So weak, so corrupt. How could I be wrong?   
  
I can hear them talking from the street. My room is in the back of the house, but I can still hear what goes on. The arguing, the fighting. Exactly what I expected to hear.   
  
And yet...   
  
That's really only a small part of what goes on. I hear laughter. Not cruel laughs, but delighted ones. I also hear my brother interacting with them. He laughs with them. But then again, they don't know what he, or rather _we_ are. What would they do if they knew? The two girls who stay here know, I can see it in their eyes. Yet, those same eyes that call me monster hold no accusation for my brother. They accept him. Sometimes, like this morning, he sits outside to watch the sunrise, and one of them will bring some food out to him, and they talk. Simple talk, with warm words.   
  
This morning, I envied them.   
  
I should be the one out there with my brother. I should be the one he shares his thoughts with, the one he wants to talk to. But somehow, I've become this monster in his eyes. Someone he can't trust. I simply don't understand. All I've ever tried to do was protect him, show him the truth. I thought perhaps if we were alone, I could make him see how wrong he was. After all, Rem was an exception. Every rule has it's exceptions, I suppose. Though, I hadn't intended for Rem to die. After all, my brother considered her a part of his family. I was sure I could make him see the light anyways. However, it was just as well that she did die. I thought her weakness would help shock my brother awake, so to speak. It did, but for years I tried my best to get him to shake his odd conception of humans as the 'good guys'. However, when I finally found a way to exterminate those humans, he shot me and ran off. I'll admit, that was a response I didn't expect. He had never turned on me before, and I wasn't sure what to do. So I let him be. I thought, maybe, he would learn the truth on his own. After we met again, I showed him point-blank what we could do. And he shot me again. I barely survived that second time, and I realized then if he wasn't going to be able to shake his brainwashing on his own, I would have to find a way to do it myself.   
  
It wasn't my intention to hurt him. Well, maybe a little. After all, he had shot me. Twice. Petty as it sounds, I felt I owed him for that.   
  
I knew I would have to find some way of showing him, in ways he couldn't fail to see, just what humans are like. Which is were Legato came into my plans. He had found me, years ago, and his unique abilities interested me. Those same abilities he used to save me after July. He also understood his place, which is one of the reasons I gave him his orders. When he created his little group he called 'Gung-Ho Guns', I was rather surprised. After all, I told him specifically _not_ to kill my brother. However, I soon realized he was a bit smarter than I suspected. His method seemed to me to have the best chance of success. Expose my brother to the real human nature, and force him to see exactly he was to blind to see. I knew, deep down, that it would hurt him. But at that point, I believed him to be completely brainwashed, and hurting him was unavoidable. After all, sometimes, you just have to let those you love learn things the hard way.   
  
And yet...I failed again. When he found me again, he still hadn't changed. In fact, in some ways I still can't describe, he was stronger. When he drew his gun on me for the third time, I simply reacted, though I think deep down I knew I had lost him for good. Over a hundred years of trying, and all I had succeeded in was turning my only brother against me. At that point, I gave up. I wanted him to finish me off. In fact, I really thought he would.   
  
But he didn't. I can remember him standing over me with his gun, his eyes full of anger and betrayal. And then, waking up here, my wounds bandaged and my brother asleep in the next room.   
  
Why didn't he simply kill me? Why leave me alive when he so clearly hates me?   
  
He told me the other day it was because we're brothers. After all, we're the only ones who can understand each other. Despite all the pain we've caused each other, we're still a part of each other. But if he's simply keeping me alive because of that, then better simply to kill me. After all, I still don't think I was wrong.   
  
I keep telling myself this, and yet...I'm not as sure as I was a few months ago. I've been out among the people of this town now. Yesterday, my brother insisted on dragging me out to the store so he would have help carrying groceries. And I noticed something. The people here are so different that what I knew. I keep waiting for the inevitable fights to break out, but they never do. Oh, they argue from time to time, but nothing really serious. It's the same feeling I can recognize in the shorter insurance girl. She has a tendency to start arguments, especially concerning my brother's habits that she doesn't approve of. I get very angry when she starts in on him, but he never does. He takes it in stride, as if he expects, and is even amused, by her behavior. His refusal to get angry with her makes me wonder if perhaps there's more going on with her then I can see.   
  
So what do I do know?   
  
I don't feel as if I should be here, especially after seeing myself through my brother's eyes. But I can't leave, either. There's nothing left for me anywhere anymore, not to mention I don't think I could just slip away. He would always come after me, if only to make sure I don't kill anyone else. For good or ill, I know I'll never change my brother's mind. So where does that leave me?   
  
Was I really so wrong, Rem Or was I simply blinded by what happened on the ship? What's left for me now? 


End file.
